Defeat
by xeuph0r1a
Summary: Levi and Hanji have always had a secret relationship, but it's time Levi starts coming to terms with his feelings for her. Unfortunately, he's not very good at expressing such emotions.
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1

Her fingers traced down the bones that just barely protruded from beneath his skin. Pacing her breath to avoid letting him know that she was getting worked up.

_"There's no reason in the world I should love him", _she'd think to herself, more than once a day. He was rude, stoic, cold. But most of all, empty. But she loved all this about him, she craved it. She wouldn't have it any other way. Hanji was in love with him. Resting in his arms was the perfect time and place to reflect on this. There was a reason he was the way he was. It took Levi a long time to allow himself to get this close to her. People died a lot in their line of duty, and a lot of the time, they have to see it up close. The most gruesome deaths you could imagine. Around the others, he wasn't exactly the nicest to her, but she could understand. Hell, he was hardly nice when they were alone, but he tried. He didn't like expressing much emotion. While she saw love as a thing to explore, he saw it as a weakness.

"Hanji, what are you doing?" He glanced to her, his jaw tightening a little.  
She quickly opened her eyes and moved away her hand simultaneously.  
"Oh, I- I'm sorry. I was just getting caught up in the moment I guess." She replied as she flashed him a nervous smile.  
"None of that. We can't let things get too serious."  
Levi sat up, retrieving his shirt from beneath the bed and proceeded to put it on.

They made a habit of sleeping together, to ease each others nerves so that when in battle, they can focus better. Sometimes they lay together sexually, other times just to relax and bask in each others familiar company. In Levi's mind, this happened all too frequently. But to Hanji, each night she lay in her bed alone, she was kept up with longing for the next night she can use his warmth instead of her thin, raggedy blanket to keep from freezing. Especially in the winter, when she could tell him she was experimenting with how efficient body heat in below freezing weather really is. He knew that it was just a load of shit, but still he went a long with it because as much as he'd hate to admit it to himself, or anyone else for that matter, he enjoyed her. All of her. The fact that she'd bother coming up with that piss poor excuse to get close to him was almost cute he thought.

He finished buttoning up his shirt and turned to Hanji, who was on her side, her chin perched and held up by her fist, not realising her wonder and awestruck was showing. Levi ignored it for a moment but for once, he allowed his curiosity get the better of him.  
"What's up with you, four-eyes?"  
She giggled, shaking her head a little before laying her head back on the bed and stared at the ceiling.  
"You're just so _fascinating_ to watch. I can't help myself sometimes."  
"What a preposterous implication of an observation."

She jumped on his back and pulled him back on top of her. is eyes widened from the suddenness of it all. He did not like being caught off gaurd, but he did like her. So he didn't get too mad.

"Hanji! What is this nonsen-" She cut him off with her smiling lips, pressed against his.  
He quickly pulled away but for a moment, she swore she felt him kiss her back and at that thought, she giggled to herself. Levi cleared his throat, regaining his composure despite his blushing cheeks and stood up to put on his pants.  
"I don't know how much longer we can continue doing this. It's gotten too familiar and out of hand." She turned him around to face her and buttoned his pants for him.  
"Oh, Lance Corporal Levi, are you breaking up with me?" She put the back of her hand to her forehead and pretended to faint, falling back onto the bed.  
"Say it isn't so! What ever will I do?!" She opened one eye, peeking up at him before sitting back up.  
"You say that, but we both know you don't mean it. Now come here! Give me one of those 'I pretend I don't have feelings but we both know I admire you' kisses!"  
"Tch," He sighed in defeat, leaning down to kiss her tenderly, but firmly.

And the truth was, he did admire her. Anything beyond that, though, he didn't dare to think about. Though one day, it was inevitable- he'd have to. But right now, he didn't have time, he needed to meet up with Erwin to discuss scouting plans. But that was Levi for you. He'd rather slaughter five fifteen meter titans than to think about his feelings, especially when it came to her. Hanji, on the other hand, thought about him every moment she wasn't thinking about her experiments. She knew she shouldn't but she was only human and was open to exploring her emotions. It was new to her and she wanted to experiment with it.

Levi sat back down to put on his boots, one leg propped up on the other. Hanji put her hand on his arm gently, "Levi.." she whispered solemnly. The tone of her voice caught his attention slightly.  
"What is it, shitty-glasses?" He tried not to sound too concerned, he was mostly curious.  
"I wanted to thank you. For this, for everything. For choosing me, even if not to have feelings for. I understand why you don't want to feel for me, and that's okay, I suppose. I wish you'd be open to it, but that's not my choice. Anyways, thanks." She ended with a forced smile, as she often wore.  
She was genuinely a happy person, truly. But it was hard to be sometimes. She'd lost everyone she ever cared about so she decided to focus all her energy on the titans. After all, they did fascinate her. But then she started to notice Levi. _Really_ notice him and it all changed. She wanted to ignore it, like he did. They both had gone through everything together, so she honestly did understand why he was the way he was, but that didn't stop her from longing for him to give her a chance.

He shrugged her hand off his arm. "Heh, don't think much of it. It's nothing special." Hanji let out a small gasp from the harsh blow. Feeling ashamed, Levi looked down, looking for a way to fix what he'd done.  
"Hanji, I didn't mean that.." was all he managed to get out. She quickly wiped the forming tears from her eyes before he could notice.  
"Hey, it's no biggie. You have a meeting to get to. You should hurry," she falsely assured him.  
He nodded, pulling on his jacket and began towards the door. Hanji sniffled quietly, but just loud enough for him to hear and he paused in his tracks for a brief moment before continuing out the door.  
At the sound of the door closing with a hint of force, she unraveled her emotions into her pillow. She wished that maybe just once, he could express some kindness towards her. That maybe he could even accidentally make her feel special or worth something.

Levi couldn't even focus during with meeting with Erwin. All he could think about was how he made Hanji cry, which wasn't like him. He never got hung up on things, he couldn't understand why this, of all things, would get his mind in a frenzy. One thought led to another and before he knew it, he was thinking about her comment about how he pretends he doesn't have feelings for her but he really does. Was it true? _Did he_ have feelings for her? He pushed the thought away. "_As if I could have feelings for some shitty glasses. I don't have time for that._"

He quickened his haste. He had to meet up with his squad to prepare to leave.  
"Levi! Hey wait!" The everso familiar voice called out to him. He clenched his teeth.  
_"Dammit, Hanji. What do you want now," _he pretended he didn't hear her and kept walking.  
Realising this, Hanji slowed down after him. Sighing, she shrugged it off as typical Levi and went to catch her with her own squad.  
_"I do not love her."_


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

As they left the walls, Hanji wasn't her usually uppity self. For once, she wasn't excited about seeing titans. She just wanted Levi to notice her outside of the bedroom. But enough of that foolishness, she needed to focus or else get killed. But it was too late. She had been caught up in her thoughts longer than she realised and the hand of a 15-meter came crashing down next to her, startling her. She quickly got herself straightened on her horse, pulling it the opposite way of the titan and shot up a flare to alert the others. The titan stomped heavily behind her, trying to keep up. Her horse tripping on a hole in the ground and she came crashing down on the shaking ground. Before she could open her eyes, she felt titan fingers wrap around her, lifting her into the air. She didn't open her eyes. She didn't have to. She could struggle, try to escape from the titans tight grip, but she knew it'd do no good. It's been said when you're about to die, your life flashes before you. But all she could think about was him. As long as she knew, her research was her life. But at the moment of her reckoning, the one person who changed it all came to mind. She took a deep breath and held it as she felt the musty, hot exhalation of the titan on her skin. And suddenly, she was falling. Her eyes shot open to see the titan falling with her, its life taken by the hands of Levi, to her surprise. She landed on her back, knocking the breath out of her and he landed in front of her.  
"What is _wrong_ with you?!" he demanded. "How stupid can you be? Pathetic. And you wonder why I don't love you." He walked away and mounted himself back on his horse, leaving her there trying to catch her breath from the blow of the hard ground and from his words. He imediately regretted his words.  
It hit her as if she jumped from a cliff into a partially frozen lake. Free falling into the ice, pain and coldness instantly, then as it stabbed into her, it engulfed her. That's exactly what it was like. She got back on her horse and continued with the survery.

When they got back, Levi's words were still on Hanji's mind. She was obsessing over them, more than she obsessed over titans. Hanji retired to her room, curling up tightly in her bed after removing most of her clothes.  
_"I thought that after our time together, I'd at least mean something to him.."_  
Her emotions engulfed her as tears rolled down her cheeks.

Levi couldn't stop obsessing over his words either. Admittedly, he was furious when he said them and knew even then that he didn't mean them. So what did he mean?

Suddenly, there was a knock on Hanji's door. _"Shit,"_ she thought as she wiped the tears from her cheeks, as if that erased all the emotion that was pooring out of her eyes. She cleared her throat as she stood up and regained her composure. "C-coming," she managed to choke out. As she opened the door, her heart stopped and dropped into her stomach. Cut down from the strings it was hanging on and stabbed repeatedly. "Oh.. Levi.. come in," she moved aside so he could come through the doorway.  
His face wore nothing but sorrow as he refused to look at her, walking into her room. He took a seat at the foot of her bed.  
"Hanji-"  
"Save it. Don't you think you've done enough?" She couldn't tell if she was angry or hurt. But she didn't want to hear anymore from him. Only more heartache could come from it.  
"No, Hanji, listen.. please.. I'm sorry," those rare words left him lips with all the sincerity he could muster in hopes that she believed him. She sat down next to him, trying to look at his face, but his head was down.  
"What.." she said in disbelief.  
"Are you really going to make me say it again? I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry with you."  
"What? What were you angry with _me_ for? I didn't do anything!" She argued back.  
"Oh you've got to be kidding me. Other than nearly getting yourself killed? And you didn't even try to fight back. Why did you give up? What's gotten into you?"  
She looked down apologetically, her anger subsiding and the tears work their way back up.  
"I didn't see the point.. I figured I should just accept what was happening.. My research was going nowhere and.. you.." she stopped herself before she said something even more foolish.  
Levi grabbed her by her arms, making her face him.  
"What is the matter with you?! That is no reason to give up! You're not being yourself. The Hanji I know would never quit fighting that easily!" She shook his hands off her and swallowed her tears. It felt as if she were inhaling cold air that frostbit her chest. Why was he doing this? Just earlier he was telling her he didn't love her and now.. She couldn't think. Normally she could easily put it all together, but my mind was so scrambled with all these thoughts, she couldn't focus.  
"Why do you care..?" she asked him quietly, part of her hoping he didn't hear. He paused for a moment in thought before moving closer to her. Gently, he lifted her chin with his hand so that her lips were level with his and after another moment of thought, he pressed them together. Softly at first, but then more passionately as he softly pushed her back onto the bed and moved over her. Kissing her bottom lip, he then pulled back slightly.  
"That's why I care.."  
"I-I don't understand, Levi."  
With a groan, he threw himself to the side of her, laying on his back. Rubbing his face for a moment, he sighed. "Dammit four-eyes." he said with an annoyed tone.  
"No, no! I'm sorry, just," she sat up next to him and grabbed his hands, holding them in hers, looking at him with hopeful eyes. "Please.."  
He glaced over at her and sighed again before sitting up. "Are you really going to make me say this?"  
Hanji smirked at him before giving him the saddest eyes she could. "Heichou, pretty pleeeease?"  
"Tch," Levi sat quietly for a moment before flicking her on the nose. "Owww!" she covered her nose with her hands, letting go of his. "What was that for?!"  
"For making me admit that I love you." And at the exact moment, she threw her arms around him, knocking him over. "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" She squealed loudly, obviously back to her usual self.  
She kissed his lips over and over excitedly.  
"I"  
Kiss.  
"Love"  
Kiss.  
"You!"  
Kiss.  
He gently pushed her off him, fighting the smile that was trying to spread across his face.  
"Knock it off, shitty glasses. Don't think this changes anything." 


End file.
